so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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