cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Randomize
