I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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