i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
