This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
