Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
i just made my gag reflex go away.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
Randomize
