Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Randomize
