Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
Randomize
