Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
does wine, beer, and vodka mix well??
dude, everything can mix, this is college.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
