so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
Randomize
