She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
