I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
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