I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
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