This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Randomize