I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
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