The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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