i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I accidentally burped into my bong.
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
