so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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