I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
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