did you get engaged???
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
Randomize
