susan atkins died, charles manson's lady
dont cry, there are other serial killers to crush on.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
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