Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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