I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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