I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
