My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
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