Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
smell my finger.
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
