I like it. Barfy the gin-flavoured Assman
Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
This is evicking siegelnvs
Im sorry?
This is fucking ridiculous*
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
Randomize
