I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
