Just mADE A PArabola og urine
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
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