i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
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