would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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