I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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