finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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