I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
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