Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
