Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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