as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
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