Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Randomize
