On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Randomize