My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
Randomize
