i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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