The 3 of us think it's time to start drinking.
3?
Me, myself and I
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Randomize
