she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
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