Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Randomize
