When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
