I can tuck mytits in my pants
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
I think I just shit out all my problems.
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