Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
