when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Randomize
