I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
