Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
Randomize
