i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
