I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Randomize
