just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
