I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
