I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
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