I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
