Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
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