so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Randomize
