Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
No stitches, just platelets and will power
i wish my penis had a tongue
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Randomize
