On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
Randomize
