i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
Randomize
