just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Randomize
