We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
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